


Pulling

by DancingAnya



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, M/M, Mental Health Issues, OCD, Trichotillomania
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 22:34:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15694695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingAnya/pseuds/DancingAnya
Summary: Yuuri has a big secret. He has trichotillomania. When it starts acting up during the Cup of China, how can Yuuri keep his secret from everyone? How can he hide from the embarrassment and shame that comes with such a strange disease?(Written by an author with Trich.)Trichotillomania = a compulsive desire to pull out one's hair.





	Pulling

Yuuri was baffled. Somehow, he was in first place at the Cup of China. That would be amazing, but now he had the pressure of keeping that high score. 

_Pull._

His eros routine certainly hadn’t been bad. After all, it got him into first place. Hopefully, Victor would be proud.

_Pull._

_Pull._

Yuuri got into the taxi that would take him and Victor back to the hotel they were staying in. He took one last look at the arena, knowing he would be back the next day. 

_Pull._

_Pull._

_Pull._

Yuuri glanced down at his hand, and, to his horror, saw a thick strand of black hair between his fingertips. A small white bulb sat on the end of it, just begging for Yuuri to run it through his lips. He glanced at Victor, who was looking out the window at the bright cars illuminating the street they drove down. Yuuri discreetly took the hair and placed it between his lips before pulling it along to feel it run against his skin. It was comforting and worrying all at the same time. Yuuri hadn’t pulled in forever, aside from the occasional eyebrow hair, so why was he pulling all of a sudden? Surely the stress of the competition couldn’t have triggered it, as his pulling had always been unpredictable. However, Yuuri never quite learned his triggers, so it could be anything at this point. 

“Yuuri?” Victor asked, yanking Yuuri from his thoughts, “Are you excited to be in first?” 

Yuuri smiled nervously at his coach and dear friend, “Of course, I only hope I can continue to make you proud tomorrow.” 

Victor smiled and looked ahead, “I’m sure you will.” 

They continued talking as they headed towards the hotel. Mostly about the competition, though they did wonder aloud about how Makkachin was doing back home. That made Yuuri laugh, but he couldn’t shake the worry that his hair pulling would grow into something worse. 

_Pull._

_Pull._

Yuuri moved the strand between his fingertips, examining it. Although he was upset, he couldn’t let it get to him. He had a competition tomorrow, after all. Surely this would go away by morning. 

Later that night, after going to bed, Yuuri awoke to a pain in his head. He had been pulling in his sleep. Yuuri groaned, turning to see what time it was. The green lights on the alarm clock next to his bed read 2:41 AM. Yuuri shifted, laying on his offending hand to try and stop the urge to pull. Except, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t withstand the urge. It was unbearable. Yuuri laid there awake for several moments, just pulling one hair after the other. He looked at the clock again. 3:34 AM. 

_Pull._

_Pull._

_Pull._

Yuuri felt like crying, Why couldn’t he control something so simple and ridiculous? Normal people didn’t pull their hair, they didn’t even think of doing it, so why was it so impossible for Yuuri to stop?

Eventually, Yuuri was lulled to sleep by the honking of cars outside his hotel room and dreamed of skating on the ice, somehow falling with every simple movement. Every time he tried to take a stride forward, his toe caught and he fell on his face. Victor watched on in horror as his student failed him in every way possible. Yuuri cried out, his one reassuring talent being replaced by the sting in his head. 

 

________________

 

Yuuri awoke to the raging sound of his phone alarm. He groaned, rolling out of bed to grab it and turn it off. It took a few tries with his blurry, sleep-filled eyes, but he eventually got the alarm to silence itself. Looking up at Victor who, despite being asleep, still looked as beautiful as ever, Yuuri stifled a laugh. That man could sleep through anything. No wonder Yakov was so stressed all the time. Yawning, Yuuri made his way to the bathroom. 

_Pull._

_Pull._

He began to run a shower, went to the bathroom, and went to wash his hands. After he wiped his hands dry, Yuuri caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He gasped. A horrible bald spot had formed on the front right part of his head. Yuuri pulled his hair back to get a better look. It was even worse than he originally thought. How could he have done this all in a day?

_Pull._

No! This needed to end! Now!

Yuuri took a shower, making sure to use his hair-growth supporting hair conditioner extra well in his new bald spot. Showering was always a nice relief from hair pulling as one couldn’t grab wet hair as easily as dry hair. Yuuri breathed in the steam of the shower, trying to clear his lungs and calm the horrible feeling of wanting to cry in his chest.

When he got out of the shower, Yuuri quickly dried his hair. Unfortunately, it hadn’t all grown back magically while he was in the shower. Resigning himself to his fate, Yuuri reached for his essentials bag and pulled out his hair powder. Though it was really meant to treat gray roots, the dark hair powder was one of Yuuri’s favorite items. He applied it generously to the bald spot, giving it a black look. Then, taking Victor’s hair gel, he styled his hair to cover the spot the best he could. When he was done, Yuuri took a step back to look in the mirror. It didn’t look too bad if you didn’t look closely. 

_Pull._

_Pull._

Yuuri smacked his own hand, knowing that it wouldn’t actually help. He sighed and decided to leave the bathroom. Hopefully Victor would be awake. Yuuri, for some reason or another, rarely got the urge to pull when someone was watching him. Thankfully, Victor was awake and drinking coffee when he got out of the room. A large breakfast sat out on a tray. Victor must’ve called for room service. Yuuri reached for a bite of the breakfast when his hand was slapped by Victor. He gave him a weird look.

“That,” Victor said, picking up the plate, “Is for me. You can’t be eating these greasy foods before a competition! This is yours.” Victor gestured to a dull looking breakfast that sat on the tray. Yuuri sighed. He supposed he signed up for this. Once they got back home, Yuuri was going to have a super greasy and delicious breakfast made by his mother. His mouth watered at the thought. 

Yuuri took his lame breakfast to his bed and started eating. When Victor looked away, he got in a few more involuntary pulls. Yuuri sighed. He needed to get rid of his pulling problem, but he couldn’t think of a way how. 

Victor chatted with him about yesterday’s performance. While On Love: Eros isn’t what Yuuri would have chosen for himself, he was ultimately glad that Victor chose it. It made him feel sexy despite his obvious flaws. But Yuuri on Ice was completely different, as Yuuri was baring his soul for the world to see. It felt as if he were naked - ready to be torn apart by their prying eyes. Today’s performance would not be any different, except, this time, he would also be hiding the shame of his trichotillomania. 

That was it, wasn’t it? That was the word that haunted his waking and sleeping life. 

Trichotillomania. 

Yuuri almost shuddered. He took a deep breath and tried to continue to eat his breakfast. If Victor noticed his discomfort, he didn’t say anything. For that, Yuuri was thankful. The two finished off their breakfast and just lay in bed for awhile in peace. That moment was ultimately cut short when Victor got up. 

“I need to make a phone call,” Victor said, “but, when I get back, I’ll do your hair. Okay, Yuuri?” 

Yuuri’s heart dropped. He had forgotten all about his and Victor’s pre-competition ritual. Victor would always help Yuuri slick his hair back for competition. It was their thing. Now, Yuuri decided it couldn’t happen. Victor couldn’t see his bald spot. 

Victor left the room for only a few agonizing moments, but, when he came back, Yuuri felt horrible. He knew what he had to do.

“Yuuri? Are you ready?” Victor cheerfully asked. 

“Um, I was actually thinking that maybe… I could do my own hair this time?” 

Victor’s face dropped, but he tried to not let it show, “I always do your hair.” 

“Right, and I appreciate it, but do you think I could do it this time?” 

Victor and Yuuri’s relationship was still in an awkward phase where Yuuri was unsure if they were interested in each other or not. Sometimes Victor acted like only a coach, sometimes more like a lover. Yuuri knew he liked Victor in a way that went beyond just a coach-athlete relationship, but he also felt like Victor could never quite like him in that way back. Especially if he found out about his trich. No one could ever love someone with something as stupid as trichotillomania, right? It makes Yuuri sound crazy. Who pulls out their own hair? 

“I suppose that would be fine,” Victor finally said, “Just be sure to get ready quickly. We have to leave soon.” 

Yuuri nodded and darted quickly into the bathroom. He took a few deep breaths and tried to prep himself up. He could do this. 

Yuuri took some more of Victor’s hair gel and began to slick back his hair the way Victor had done plenty of times before. Try as he might, Yuuri couldn’t get the hair to cover his new bald spot the way he wanted it to. It was out and open for all to see. Tears of frustration began to form in Yuuri’s eyes. Why wouldn’t his stupid hair just do what he wanted it to do? His arms began to grow tired from holding them up and he let them fall to his sides in anger. Suddenly, everything began to irritate him. The stickiness of the gel on his hands, the strand of Victor’s hair on the sink, and definitely the way his hair wouldn’t cover the bald spot. Nothing was okay. 

Yuuri cried out in frustration. 

_Pull._

_Pull._

_Pull._

Soon, he heard a knock on the bathroom door. 

“Yuuri, is everything alright?” Victor called. 

Yuuri opened the door, tears now freely pouring down his eyes. 

“No, nothing is alright! Victor! Look at me! I can’t skate like this! I’m a walking disaster!” 

Yuuri made his way over to his bed and laid face-down on the mattress, the pillows muffling his loud sobs. He felt a hand on his back and looked up to see Victor staring at him worriedly. 

“Yuuri, why do you have a bald spot?” 

“I have trichotillomania.” 

Victor smiled awkwardly, “Ah, and, uh, what’s that?” 

Yuuri sat up, wiping tears from his blurry eyes. 

“It… It’s a mental disease where you get the urge to pull out your own hair.” 

“You pulled out all that hair?” Victor asked. 

Yuuri nodded, not having the words to tell him it was true.

“Oh, Yuuri, that must have been so painful!” 

Yuuri sighed. That was always everyone’s first reaction. They didn’t understand that it was the pain that felt so good. The pain that kept him going. 

“Can’t you just like… stop?” 

“Do you think I want to pull my hair? If I could stop I would have a long time ago.” 

“Right. Right. Okay, so what are we going to do?” 

“I don’t know! I’m going to look like an idiot…” 

“No, Yuuri, you’re going to look beautiful. Look at me.” Yuuri turned his head up towards Victor’s caring eyes, “You are beautiful.” 

Yuuri blushed and turned away. Victor had to be lying, just like everyone else. No one looks beautiful with awkward bald spots. 

Victor began to think aloud, “We could have you wear a hat? Like a fedora?” 

Yuuri shrugged, “I look awful in hats. Plus, it would fall off.” 

“You could wear a wig?” 

“Where are we going to get a wig in such short notice? Plus everyone will know something is wrong.” 

“You could wear your hair down? Like you were this morning.” 

“And risk losing points for appearance? No, we can’t do that either.” 

Victor sighed and looked at Yuuri. He crouched down to meet with him at eye level. 

“I have an idea.” 

 

________________

 

This was an awful idea. No, it was worse than awful. Yuuri was going to be humiliated. 

“It’s going to be fine. You look good, Yuuri,” Victor reassured him. 

Yuuri didn’t believe it for a second, but Victor’s words were slightly reassuring. 

As Yuuri stretched out his body, he felt another presence coming up beside him. 

“Victor! Yuuri! How are we this lovely morning?” 

Victor laughed, “Trying to distract Yuuri before he goes on, Chris?” 

“Only a little,” although he couldn’t see him, Yuuri could almost hear Chris smiling. Everyone else had already skated that day, leaving Yuuri as the last competitor. The stakes were high for him to keep his first-place standing. At the moment, Phichit held the title. Yuuri had already spoken to him, and he supported Yuuri’s choice for his bald spot, but Chris was a whole different ball game. Yuuri turned to face him, almost cringing when he saw Chris’s face drop. 

“Uh, Yuuri, you have a… how do I say-” 

“A bald spot?” 

“Right, that.” 

At that moment, a woman walked up to Yuuri and told him it was his turn to go on. She stared for a moment at his head but chose not to say anything. Yuuri gave Chris a look of regret and walked towards the ice, leaving him with his coach to explain. 

Yuuri warmed up the same a normal, stayed over to the side next to Victor same as normal, and prepared to dance the same as normal. But it wasn’t normal, everyone was staring at him. They were judging, he could feel it. Yuuri’s choice to keep his bald spot showing was not helping his anxiety. Not that it was supposed to. 

Victor came and talked to Yuuri on the side of the ice, “You can do it, Yuuri. You can do anything. Don’t worry about your hair. Entrance them with your talent.” 

Yuuri nodded and skated to the center of the rink. He breathed in deeply, remembering Victor’s words from earlier. 

_Do it for the fans, Yuuri. Do it for the little child struggling with the same problem as you. Show them that you’re beautiful and talented despite your illness. I believe in you._

Yuuri took a deep breath and the music began to play. 

He felt more naked than he ever had before skating. Even when he failed miserably at the last grand prix. It was awful. He skated fine, but he could feel everyone’s eyes bearing into him the whole time. Into his head. Into his bald spot. 

Soon, the song was over. Yuuri hardly noticed the time going by, it all seemed so fast. People clapped and cheered for him, not seeming to care about his condition. They threw flowers and stuffed animals onto the ice just like normal, and Yuuri bowed to them. He turned to Victor and eagerly skated towards him.

“Victor! I did it! I did-” 

He was cut off by Victor lunging at him, pulling him into a kiss before landing on the ice below. It hurt a little, but Yuuri was so caught off guard by Victor’s gesture that he hardly noticed. Did Victor just _kiss_ him? Was this real?

“Victor-” 

“I just wanted to show you how proud I am of you, Yuuri. You’re beautiful. Your skating is beautiful. Never doubt that. 

The next few moments went by in a whirlwind. The scores, the fans, Victor… it all went by so fast. Soon, Yuuri was having microphones shoved in his face by reporters. 

“Yuuri! Yuuri!” they screamed. 

One got in close enough to ask a question, “Yuuri, why do you have a bald spot on your head?” she asked, not having any reservations about asking. 

Yuuri smiled at the reporters and looked to Victor who gave a reassuring nod. Yuuri turned back and spoke. 

“Well, I have this thing called trichotillomania.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! This is my first canon-divergence AU, so you'll have to tell me what you think! If you have trich, I hope that this fic met your expectations. If you want to talk, you can reach me on Tumblr! 
> 
> [Personal Tumblr](https://anyaisdancingagain.tumblr.com/) [Writing Tumblr](https://dancinganya.tumblr.com/)


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